The power of apology is often ignored. It’s essential to resolve a conflict or ask forgiveness, yet apology is often discourage and in some cases even prohibited!
We can all think of festering grudges that have tarnished or completely destroyed relationships. Many of us can think of a situation where we could offer an apology but have chosen not to (well, I can). Sometimes we make the link between a sincere expression of regret and its healing properties, but more often we choose to ignore this and instead find excuses to justify our refusal to apologise.
Making an apology can be a powerful first step to remedy a troubled relationship, but we generally have a range of reasons for not offering it.
Aaron Lazare, author of On Apology, starts out by saying:
“Apologies have the power to heal humiliations and grudges, remove the desire for vengeance, and generate forgiveness on the part of the offended parties. For the offender, they can diminish the fear of retaliation and relieve the guilt and shame that can grip the mind with a persistence and tenacity that are hard to ignore. The result of the apology process, ideally, is the reconciliation and restoration of broken relationships.”
Many relationships could benefit from this process, particularly at work, yet business cultures positively discourage apology on the basis that it is somehow associated with blame or weakness; apologising for something at work equates to being ‘wrong’, and being wrong is not a comfortable place for most of us in a culture that encourages us to be ‘right’ as much as possible.
Privately, we have no such excuse. If we ignore the power of apology and refuse to not apologise when it is warranted and we know we could, then we also have to take responsibility for that decision without hiding behind blame or hurt pride.
Better late than never
It can often be hard to know just how to apologise, particularly when the ‘offence’ happened some time ago, and common response is to let sleeping dogs lie. In some cases this may be good advice, but it can also become a self-serving mantra to avoid taking responsibility for patching things up. Perhaps you have wanted to apologise for something but have not been sure of how to go about it. Well, there’s a website for everything and here is one to help with that.
More generally though, it is always a good idea to reflect on the quality of the relationships around us, and this is true at work as elsewhere. Part of this may be that we become aware of our part in a disagreement or some other distancing factor in a relationship. A sincere expression of regret is often the first step to better relations, and this doesn’t have to hint at taking blame. For example, a simple opener would be “We don’t seem to have been getting along as well as we used to. I’m sorry about that and I’d like to do something about it.” This expresses regret for the failure of the relationship but does not say “…and it’s all my fault”.
Not for the faint-hearted
Apologising, particularly when taking responsibility for having wronged someone, is the mark of the strong. A quote attributed to Steven Covey goes:
“It takes a great deal of character strength to apologise quickly… A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologise.”
Of course no matter who said it this goes little way to correcting the social acceptability of refusing to say sorry. There are many more quotes on why we shouldn’t apologise than there are on why we should. So why not buck the trend? Who could you say sorry to and brighten both your days? I’ve included a few do’s and don’ts below to help, see what you think.
And if you are still hooked on winning, remember that somebody once said “An apology is a good way to have the last word.”
- Make sure you mean it; sincerity is everything
- Acknowledge the hurt and the harm done
- Recognise the power of apology
- Do it for yourself; being able to express yourself sincerely is life-enhancing
- Match the right level of formality; the graver the offence (in their view) the more formal the apology should be
- Err on the side of caution; they may see it as very serious, even if you don’t
- Be prepared to give an explanation if it is relevant; but beware of it sounding like an excuse
- Accept rejection with dignity; do it for yourself, not for thanks or recognition
- Give them time; it can be almost as hard to accept an apology as to give one
- Appear contrite. An arrogant apology is worse than no apology.
- Expect miracles, you may be ready to say sorry, they may not be ready to hear it
- Underestimate the power of apology to heal and repair
- Link the apology to an excuse or justification
- Rush it. You may feel nervous but speak clearly; mumbling or hesitation will weaken the message
- Make it appear that they are to blame (even if they are partly responsible)
- Put it off.
Maturity and wisdom
It takes maturity and wisdom to apologise. In this article I have explained why apology is important and how to go about making restitution. It takes personal maturity and wisdom to offer a sincere apology, and also a degree of patience and acceptance.
When you offer an apology but the recipient is under no obligation to accept it. It can be that apologising is only the first and necessary step in a longer healing process. This is particularly the case in situations where strong emotions like anger and hurt are present.
Apology is generally under-used, for sure. But you can be sure that knowing how to apologise with dignity and grace will always be a characteristic worth nurturing.