In the olden days, before vinyl records were replaced by CDs, record players had to be isolated from vibrations. Tremors and shocks would make the needle jump out of the groove, spoiling the listening experience and risking permanent damage to the disc, the needle, or both. (You can replicate the effect today by banging a CD player with a brick or a hammer, but don’t try this at home).

In life, it’s the other way round. Sometimes the needle gets stuck and it needs a nudge to help it on its way. To illustrate what I mean think of any conversation where somebody keeps covering the same old ground with no satisfactory change or outcome.

Let’s think about this or a moment. Why would a person keep harping on about the same old topic? Possibility one is that their life is so humdrum and boring that they have nothing else to talk about.

Possibility two could be (this is speculation, after all), that they have forgotten that they’ve raised the topic before. Yet another possibility (let’s call it three), is that they are hoping for a response from the listener which is different from previous responses.

Or, another way of asking the question above would be “Why would someone need to constantly repeat themselves?” In answer, there might be a clue in our own behaviour. You and I don’t repeat what we’ve said when we feel heard and acknowledged. On the other hand, if we feel that what we have said hasn’t been heeded. we DO tend to repeat ourselves. This is particularly the case when our point or request is something that is important to us.

Still with me? Because another aspect of this is that when you engage in a conversation and hear a story that you’ve heard a dozen times before, the result is no use to either of you, unless that is your aim is simply to fill the air with meaningless chit-chat.

The way out of this is to ask questions that are deliberately designed to get the speaker to ‘play a different tune’. This sometimes takes a bit more than a nudge – maybe a jolt or a shock (in a good way) – so that you shake them out of the groove they are in. Listening to the same old story does nobody any favours. It doesn’t address the underlying needs that make the repetition necessary, nor does it advance discussion and understanding.It might even reinforce a harmful narrative.

If you think that the needle has got stuck, you could try asking what’s causing the repetition.

I’m a psychologist, coach, and therapist. All my work is aimed at enabling people to improve personal aspects of their lives and work.

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4 Comments

  1. Sue Marsh August 7, 2016 at 1:25 am

    Any suggestions on questions to ask? As a volunteer driver of usually elderly folk I often sit through 2 hours of them repeating their grievances – most from long ago, some current. As I want to remain respectful to their generation I just try to patiently listen and not really interrupt, except with mundane statements. I find lately that this is becoming annoying and I need help. I truly love these people and sometimes drive them often, say 4 times a month or so. Is there a polite way to defer them? If I try to change the subject they just talk right over me….I have to remember that some of them have no one else in their life to talk to either, or at least not at a dedicated 2 hour span.

  2. bwinbolt August 7, 2016 at 8:57 am

    Two hours! What a great opportunity to practice new strategies!

    I’m sure many people have to deal with something similar and are uncertain as to how to go about it (and survive it).

    Thanks Sue, is it OK if I quote you in a soon-to-be-written post on this topic? It deserves some thought and a bit of elaboration (from me).

    • Sue Marsh August 7, 2016 at 10:01 am

      Sure, use what you want. I’m hoping to learn more from your contemplations. I love what I do and most of the time (I drive two to three times a week) conversations are varied and I learn so much from my clients. It’s just the ones that are alone, and seem to be quite unhappy and lonely, and as you’ve written, they are stuck in one groove. Maybe you can even suggest ways that I can encourage them to put the past behind them and live in the now…I know I haven’t written to you lately, but I enjoy all of your posts and so many have opened my eyes to new ways of communication and learning how to adjust my own ways of thinking. I’m enjoying seeing my world with eyes more wide open, thanks to you.

      • bwinbolt August 14, 2016 at 9:19 am

        Thaks Sue,
        I’m still working on a post in response to your last comment. I haven’t forgotten.

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