This is a dilemma that most of us face at some time or other “How to put yourself first and be more use to others?”

Today, I was asked “What should I do in order to think about me instead of thinking about others, and how can I think positively about myself?”

How to put yourself first

My first response to this question was aimed more at the second part of the question, “How can I think positively about myself?” My suggestion? Build confidence by developing something you are good at, or can become good at. It might be a hobby, pastime, sport, creativity…, and it can be from any time in your life, even when you were a kid.

To think more about yourself , start by giving yourself permission. Focus on what you need, not just what others expect. Build confidence by developing skills and celebrating your daily successes. Set clear boundaries to protect your time and energy. Self-respect and awareness naturally lead to positive, healthy thinking, and thereby, relationships.

We build confidence and self-belief through our successes. When you can stand back and say to yourself “I did that”, you have an observable success. It can be a choice you made, or something you did. I recommend to some of my clients that they ‘celebrate their successes’ each day to help build confidence. The more you acknowledge the things you do right (successes), the more you will be reducing your mind to think positively about yourself.

A success is a personal triumph, and it can be small or large, like getting to work on time or sticking to a positive decision to act in a certain way. It doesn’t have to be a huge public act like feeding the poor or saving the human race!

Set clear boundaries

The question above usually provokes suggestions from others like “Learn to say no”, etc. This is sound and necessary advice in certain situations, but it suggests that you have been powerless, like a slave or a doormat. But, what if you are good at doing things for others, and even a little proud of it?

My sisters and I are all like this, caring for others in all sorts of ways can be very fulfilling. BUT, and it’s a big but, you must have good boundaries to protect your own time and space. Otherwise, you’ll quickly find yourself at the behest of others.

So my second suggestion is: develop your boundaries. There is plenty of advice out there on how to do that, and I have a post that could help as well.

By the way, I’m assuming when you say “think about others…” and, “think positively about myself…”, you also mean “act”, as in doing things for others rather than doing things for yourself? Our thinking is more easily changed by first changing our behaviour, rather than the other way round.

Think more of your needs

If you’re used to thinking only of others, initially, turning that energy inward can feel selfish or even wrong. But look at it this way: only when you are in a good state emotionally can you be fully available for others. Thinking about yourself starts with permission: you’re allowed to make yourself a priority. No one else is going to hand you that permission; you have to take it for yourself.

Self-awareness is the first step to reclaiming mental space. Each time you catch yourself over-focusing on others, pause and ask, “What do I need right now?” It’s a small question with big consequences. It shifts your focus from external caretaking to internal care.

Next, make self-respect a daily practice. That means setting boundaries, saying no without guilt, and doing things that align with your values, rather than with others’ expectations. Self-rassurance and confidence will strengthen over time, with consistent practice.

Learning to put yourself first and to think positively about yourself isn’t about fake affirmations or pretending you’re perfect. It’s about fairness and self-respect (why should others respect you if you don’t respect yourself?). You deserve the same understanding, forgiveness, and encouragement you’d extend to friend.

When you slip up and the old habits creep in (as they will from time to time), be patient and remind yourself: “I’m still learning.” When you achieve something, however small, acknowledge it as a success and get on with your day.

Photo: Kalhh  from pixabay.com