The Most Dangerous Lies Are the Ones We Tell Ourselves

Self deception is a valuable protective mechanism. There are contless examples of the value of pretending, and even denying, a self-evident truth.

When my late wife was dying from an incurable disease, we clung to denial as though our lives depended on it. In one sense they did, as we strove for ‘normality’ to get us through an ordeal. It allowed us, and our children, to hold on to some semblance of ‘normal life’. Which it did for four years, until, by agreement, we changed the narrative to face the inevitable truth.

Little stories can protect us from discomfort, guilt or shame, at first. But repeated often enough, they begin to feel like the truth. Our judgement becomes clouded, and we stop seeing events as they really happened. Worse, we can no longer see ourselves as we really are.

So, I’m not against denial and self-deception. In their place they are valuable protective mechanisms. But, and it’s a big but…

We know we lie to ourselves and others in different, less honourable, ways. Up to a point telling lies, the odd white lie for example  – to protect another feelings or to deal with a tricky social situation – might be acceptable. But this is where it starts, if we don’t question our motives, look at ourselves honestly, learn, and do better next time, we don’t learn, and we don’t grow.

The trouble is, it’s not the big, dramatic lies that make the headlines. The small ones. The everyday lies we tell ourselves.

“I didn’t really let them down.”

“I did it because I was vulnerable”

“It wasn’t my fault.”

“They’re just too sensitive.”

At first these little stories protect us from discomfort, guilt or shame. But repeated often enough, they begin to feel like the truth. Our judgement becomes clouded, and we stop seeing events as they really happened.

Over time, these self-deceptions harden into beliefs. They become part of our belief system about ourselves (that’s the self protection part). We repeat them to others, defend them, and build our version of reality around them. We even build them into our public persona – after all, we all want to be liked and to avoid the judgement of others.

The irony is that hard as we might try, we’re not really fooling anyone else. The person most deceived by the lie is the one telling it. We may avoid an uncomfortable truth for a while, but the cost is our integrity, our relationships, and our ability to learn from experience.

It also prevents us growing, taking responsibility for our own development, and developing an authentic identity.

In the end, the biggest loser is the person who can’t face the truth about themselves.

It’s not easy, but down the ages, philosophers, gurus, psychologists have attested to this. They can’t all be wrong.